Letting Go

It was bound to happen;
It was merely a matter

of when

or who first. 

Letting go. 

Feather light touch of fingertips

Soft pressure of lips meeting lips

marks the final contact

of a connection which

was never meant to subsist.

He goes his way...

I go mine. 

Eyes telling a silent story

of an era we spent entangled

in each other's warmth

that meant more to me

than they should have.

Heart sighing at the

imminent  absence

of your presence

which  I allowed to become

my source of comfort

and my retreat of calm. 

Body instantaneously

rebuffing your departure;

Tortured by the knowledge

that it will no longer be

fulfilled by you,

touched by you,

held by you.

Forced to accept that

that which was never

meant to be

has dissolved

like a whisp of thin air.

Letting go. 

My mouth forms an

unspoken goodbye

as my body wills

itself to accept

the whens

the whys.

My heart's heavy

my mind's numb.

I did that which

I knew I shouldn't -

I fell in love with him

in a way that now

jeapodizes my sanity.

I have to let him go.

It was bound to happen;

It was merely a matter
of when
or who first. 

Nekisha CD Lewis

14.12.2011

Sweet Caress

His breath

my neck

His words

light caress

Gentle

tenderness.

His love

touches my ear

with an easiness

that embodies

Him.

Him

embedding

his heart

his soul

his being

Into

my heart

my soul

my being.

My love

echoes

that of his

and floats

to his ears

on butterfly wings.

My breath

his neck

Our words

sweet caress.

Nekisha CD Lewis

4.12.11

Kiss

Feather light touch

of lips 
meeting lips.

A gentle caress

of the senses

linking 
one soul

to the depth 
of the other.

Gentle pressure

heightened pleasure.

Tongue.

Lips.

Teeth.

Kiss.

Nekisha CD Lewis

04.12.2011

My Heartstring

Your journey started in a race of 250 million
Yet you won.
The instant you burrowed your way into my ovum 
resulted in the creation of a unique cell that can never be duplicated
Never replicated.
You are your own carbon copy, your very own prototype.
3 weeks of being and you're a blastocyst of rapidly multiplying cells 
Working innumerable miracles approved by Him who sent you.
You're a part of a Master Plan that I cannot yet envision or even comprehend.
Its week 4 and the embryo is in the process of preparing for the creation of your organs and body parts
As tiny as a sesame seed yet holding the potential to become something so remarkably awesome.
By week 6 your presence is cemented as your heart beats twice as much as mine do, 
Tiny hands and feet are developing and your tongue and vocal cords are beginning to form.
How can I deny your being or see you as insignificant?
It takes but six weeks for you to transform from a single sperm cell into a beating heart.
You're alive within me and dependent upon me to survive.
In your 8th week your brains begin to form
You may not be able to comprehend what is happening 
but you're marvelous in your own right.
Wk 13 and your unique set of fingerprints are embedded on your tiny hands
Exclusively yours.
You declare your presence in week 14 by expanding past my pelvic bone as if to say,
"Hello World, see you very soon!"
That same week, thanks to brain impulses, you now have the ability to squint, frown and grimace as you see fit.
France, Germany and Italy says here after you have the right to live...
America says you do not!
Its been 4 months now and your circulatory system is now working as you pump 25 quarts of blood a day.
In month 5 your hearing has developed, you can now hear me singing you lullabies and familiarize yourself with my voice.
Your skeleton is turning from rubbery cartilage to hardened bone, hair sprouts from your scalp and your individual senses are developing. 
You are human. You matter to me.
Month six. 
America says this is my last month to decide if I want to keep you or not. 
After having you grow from a tiny sperm cell to a baby that can hear, move about, give facial expression, whose heart beats...
How can I even consider not bringing you to term at this stage? 
Seven months later and you, my baby, is putting on baby fat and I smile at the thought of it.
My back aches and my feet swells but its a labour of love I am committed to.
For you can now suck your thumb, hiccup, open your eyes and you sleep and wake at regular intervals.
I love you with a fierceness that defies comprehension.
Eight months in and I'm clumsy, short of breath, tired all the time and I can no longer see my toes when I look down,
All the while your lungs have fully developed, you are gaining weight rapidly and have turned in a head down position preparing for your grand entrance.
I can't wait to meet you, my little ball of sunshine.
Its been nine months, a long journey of ups and downs for me, a period of uncertainty for you.
But I love you beyond words and have prepared my heart and life for you.
To love, cherish and protect you I vow
Welcome to the World little one.
Welcome home, my love.

NCD Lewis
8th November 2011

PAIN

They’re pregnant with hurt
By pain’s rebirth.

Showered with lies
Their love slowly dies.

Bodies tattooed with scars
Dying in a prison with people for bars.

Let loosed too many tears
Crippled by their own faults and fears.

Lost all faith
No heartbeat…too late.

Ghostly souls they are
Hatred outweighing love by far.

All light is gone
Feelings no longer form.

Faceless figures they’ve become
Mind, body and soul…all numb.

It’s real, the pain
For trying to heal they are slain.


NCD Lewis

Existing

She peers out at the World
through eyes unseeing,
Lost to the present as is
Trapped in the memory of what never was.

Tanned with a heavy layer of regret
She sits in her chair and looks out 
but sees nothing.

Her children sit on the porch around her feet
Laughing
Playing
Living.

She hears them
Sees them 
Feels their presence.
But she wishes she didn't.

Caught up with how life should have been
Could have been
Had it not been for Him.

He who stole what was rightfully hers to give.

She sits in her chair and peers out at the World
through eyes unseeing,
Lost to the present as is
Trapped in the memory of what should have been.

No longer living
Barely existing.

Jolted back to the present
only by the echoing sound of her youngest
asking, "Mommy, what's for dinner?"

To: Within From: The Almost Mother

*Part III of the 'Almost Trilogy'. Please see the other 2 parts of the series*

Dear Rhain,
Yes, I’ve named you… 
for my love for you is pure, despite your pain.
Begging your forgiveness I’m on my knees
There’s not much I can say so I’m begging PLEASE...
Forgive your foolish momma for not giving you the change to breathe
The chance to grow, the chance of in my arms to feel.
What I’ve stolen from you, baby, I can ne'er repay
My heart is hurting so bad I can’t find the words to say…
Sorry doesn’t even begin to express my ache
Ridding my body of you…for my own pride’s sake.
But what is public opinion compared to the right to live?
One should never take what they cannot give!
LIFE – just four letters…but means EVERYTHING
Lord I pray you’re riding on an angel’s wing.
I’m hoping you’re able to forgive me for this dreadful wrong
No matter how long it takes “forgive me” will always be on my tongue.
See, I’m not expecting you to understand my pain
For I forfeited a lifetime of love from you with nothing gained.
Baby, you don’t know the agony that I went thru
In the end I knew my life would be better - without you.
For I know the feel of hunger, neglect and public shame
And for my own child I didn’t want the same.
I knew I wasn’t ready but still I did the crime
But in the end, baby, I just couldn’t do the time.
In silence I tell myself that I had no choice
When it came to responsibility your Father instantly lost his voice.
I’m so sorry, baby, but love just isn’t enough to raise a child these days
So I cry for me as I will never get to see your tiny face.
I’ll never feel the warmth of your body pressed close to mine
I’ll never hear you laugh or see your little beady eyes shine.
I’ll never kiss your cheek and feel your love tingling on my lips
Or feel the pleasure of soothing your fears with my fingertips.
Baby, I can’t explain the hurt that I’m going through
All I can say is…I did this for you.
So again I beg, forgive me…for not heeding your silent plea
“Momma, how can you even think to do this to me?”

- Your Almost Mother

Dear Momma,

I hear your cry and I even feel the strength of your pain
But at the end of it all...it’s been everything lost but nothing gained.
You have no one else but yourself to blame
And for that, of you…I die in shame.

- Your Almost Child

NCD Lewis

Revised 2011

Almost Father

*Part II of the 'Almost Trilogy'. Please see the other 2 parts of the series*


She tells you after its already been done 
How she've committed an unforgivable wrong; 
And you see it in her eyes that she ain't lying 
But all you can feel is the pain of your unborn child dying. 
Her voice barely a whisper, choked with shame 
And you see yourself choosing his or her's first name. 
In her eyes you see a pool of emptiness colored with regret 
In your mind you envision your child taking its first breath. 
They're swollen and red, evidence of how much she've wept 
You see tiny feet taking their first steps. 
Her words spins your mind into a web of torment 

And into the sea of loss my heart instantly went. 
As I try to unmemorize the date 
And not count the coming years as mised birthdays. 
I try to erase from memory the very knowledge of knowing 
And steel the emotions that are violently growing. 
What else can I do but sit still - stunned 
Willing my body to accept whats already been done. 
Trying not to think about the word 'father' 
Refusing to believe that I've just lost a son or maybe a daughter. 
I've been robbed...cheated...now what's an Almost Father to do? 
Women, do you think abortion affects only you? 

N.C.D. Lewis
2005/2006 

 

To: The Almost Mother From: Within

**Part I of the 'Almost Trilogy'. Please see the other 2 parts of the series**

Dear Momma, 
I see the pain your going through 
and I feel it so much for you. 
I see the tears you cry at nights 
But Momma through the darkness there is light. 
Momma, I feel the weight of your heart breaking in more pieces than two 
No one seems to hear your silent plea for help, but Momma, I DO! 
I hear the questions running through your head 
I feel you tumble and turn in your bed. 
You don't sleep, I know, Momma 
And you don't eat even though you wanna. 
But remember...I need food too. 
Sweet Momma your trying so hard to be strong, I know 
All your strength and courage is what your trying to show. 
Momma, do you think no one hears you screaming out for help? Cause I do. 
Momma, do u think that no one sees the pain ur going through? Cause I see that too.
Momma stop thinking about you, what about ME? 
Listen with your heart Momma. 
Can you hear me Momma? 
Come on Ma, feel my love radiating through your bones 
Momma, sweet Momma, you are not alone. 
Stop the tears from washing down your face 
Hold ur head up and maintain your grace. 
I'm not ashamed of you, so why are you ashamed of me? 
Please Momma...please just let me be... 
Momma, your so pretty and so very young 
But either way I am still your son! 
You don't know the potential I hold, 
To take such good care of you when your body grows old... 
Wouldn't u love that Momma? Cause I know that I would... 
Give me a chance please Momma! 
I'm touching you right now; can you feel my love Ma? 
I'm screaming your name Momma, please hear me I beg! 
You can't just rip me out of your womb; I've got a heart too 
A heart meant to love and honor you... 
I'm here for you Momma...be there for me too! 

Momma PLEASE don't go through those doors! 
Feel, Momma, feel how my love for you flows! 
My voice is crackling, now I'm crying too...
Lord I pray that He watches over you... 
In a moment I'll be out of your womb; no longer a part of you. 
How can u Momma? HOW? WHY? 
I did nothing to deserve this! 
How can you KILL YOUR OWN CHILD? 
I'm your own flesh and blood, made of you...within you! 

Momma, I love you even though he doesn't 
This operation your about to do, you musn't! 
Momma, I'm reaching out to you, take my hand! 
I'm screaming out to you, please hear me! 
Momma...Momma...MOMMA...NOOOOOOooooo......! 

If your unborn child could speak would he have to ask, "Can I live..?" 
Would he have to beg, "Let me live.."?

-Nekisha CD Lewis (2005)